The reality of subconscious self-sabotage (why you're self-sabotaging)

lost from self-sabotaging

Sometimes we don’t allow ourselves the freedom to grow or take on anything new out of a fear of going through a pain we once lived. We Self-sabotage, often without even being aware of what we’re doing, because it is easier to miss out on something than it would be to endure or feel the same pain of the past. We give ownership of our lives to the things we have gone through and not the potential of the things we can thrive in. This is a lie, pain in life, whether from failures or relationships is ultimately unavoidable, all this style of thinking does is displace the pain. 

 Whatever has your focus has your heart. 

Instead of pain that has hope we live in pain of despair and desolation. Instead of growing from the pain, we make a home in it. We keep reliving the same hurt in the name of never experiencing it again. We create a home in our guilt and begin to think that, what we were, is what we will always be. 

The truth is that for a lot of people self-sabotage also steams subconsciously. It comes from the need to never feel a similar pain so instead of allowing ourselves the uncomfortable movements of growth, we destroy any possibility that could ever put us in a position to be in a place of pain again, even if that means adapting to the pain we can ‘control’. 

There's this old saying based on what a vast majority of animals do, 

“crawl in a hole and die” 

Some animals, the moment they are hurt tend to find a dark place, more often than not, a hole. They run in there in hopes that this place may offer safety from the aggressor or pains they were just afflicted with, the problem is that this ultimately ends up being the place they die in. 

Our need to hide sabotages our growth. We think that by hiding away we are now safe from the pain that we couldn’t mend, we make a home in the very place that is killing us. 

4 more reasons why we 

are self-sabotaging.

1. Imposter syndrome 

This has to be one of the most common and worst reasons we self-sabotage but it’s also extremely understandable. Often imposter syndrome can be faked as humility; 

hu·mil·i·ty

/hyo͞oˈmilədē/

noun

1. a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness.

While that might sound nice, it’s normally an excuse or covering for lack of confidence and in some instances the same subconscious self-sabotage we just spoke of. Sometimes in the belief that someone else has imprinted in our subconscious we speak to ourselves in that very tone, not allowing ourselves to be out there again. A lack of confidence is not humility. 

The truth is freeing ourselves from the profile we feel we have to show to other people allows us to step into places where we can thrive. It allows us to define and live in the authority of our lives and build the confidence that we desperately deserve. 

A common characteristic of leaders and well-admired or revered people is their presence. Think about it, most of these people we look up to or desire to be like (whether the nicest people ever or not) have this exuding confidence to the way they carry themselves. It maybe be easy to just chalk it off to the fact that they already are who they are, but the reality is that this is something they have had or worked on as they grew. 

Even if they had to fake it until they made it.

I want to be clear humility, authentic humility, is huge and honestly the mark of any person of influence that is impactful in people's lives (some do a fantastic job at faking this too) but the key word here is, authentic. Humility is not saying that you are less than, in fact, it’s being so confident in who you are and what you are capable of doing that you never hold that over anyone else or try to downplay them. It’s really easy to hone in on that part of humility that says “a low view of one’s self” but that's just a misunderstanding of the definition. Another common characteristic of extremely successful people, other than the thought that they are better at what they do than most, is the fact that they know and believe there is so much more room for growth, it’s where we are to view ourselves as lower not less than but understanding that we can still grow.  

This imposter syndrome a lot of us suffer from continues to circle how we view ourselves and I just want to affirm you in this moment you could have been the worst person in the whole world, made every single mistake that could have ever existed and even now continue to mess up. This isn’t about what you’ve done or where you’ve been it is however, totally about what you do next. 

Stop giving in.

Stop believing you don’t belong because you haven’t been or much worse because no one ever invited you. You belong simply on the principle of what is inside of you, whether you know this or agree with it, you belong because God has never created anything in this world without purpose even if we can’t identify the purpose right now, one day it will be made clear but if you give up or give in you will guarantee that you will never know. 

Imposter syndrome is also tied to perfectionism. This is why proper humility is so important, the understanding that we are not the end all be all but allowing room for growth in a place we belong. Some feel that if they are not perfect they are not worth it, if it isn’t absolute perfection it somehow reflects the nature of their person and this is just not true. 

The writings of Hewitt and Flett’s we get what’s known as the multidimensional perfectionism scale ("Perfectionism and Depression: A Multidimensional Analysis). Help us understand the reality of perfectionism being a hindrance to mental health and a key catalyst in the imposter syndrome. To be clear perfectionism can root from the most active and successful person to the most lazy and least achieving, the fear of not being successful stops both of these people just alike. We create barriers around our success on our own that otherwise would never be there. 

2. Maladaptive Coping Mechanisms

Sometimes self-sabotaging can show out as avoidance. The notion of not allowing yourself the space or time to actually be able to take on the task, whether succeeding or failing, creates an ‘excuse’ as to why you couldn’t. This maybe one of the most obvious versions of self-sabotage because it’s one of those things that we are capable of but we don’t realize the magnitude of small steps. 

I hate cleaning my room, especially after doing laundry, I have a laundry chair for a reason. Not too long ago I noticed something though, as much as I hate this task, the moment I started with one thing it snowballed and flew by. Before I knew it my whole room was clean. 

This is going to sound crazy so bare with me, but I am convinced this is Newton's first law of motion “An object in motion remains in motion”. The moment we begin that is the hard part but after we’ve taken on that hard task of simply starting everything else compounds. The simple act of taking the first step gives space for everything else to flow! 

I am convinced this principle applies to everything at different scales. Saving money, building muscle, losing fat, becoming organized, becoming wealthy, creating better mental health, the list goes on and on, it starts with really small compounding steps. You don’t become perfect overnight or perfect at all for that matter but every single day you become better. 

Self-sabotage becomes so common through avoidance because procrastination is a static position, it is so easy not to move but when you look back you’d live with the regret that you didn’t start the little things.  

The little things build up foundations.

3. Self-Handicapping:

This is the reality, we self-sabotage way before even taking on the task. Mindset is the difference between successful/healed people and people who live in misery/failure. There is this old saying that speaks to the truth of the pessimist “A pessimist will find a problem for every solution you give them” Some people are just so stuck in the mindset of misery that they don’t allow themself the space or grace to be able to grow out of that place that isn’t allowing them to be fully themselves. They limit what they can do way before they get a chance to do it and for this reason, sabotage any chance at a joyful life. 

Life is about creating opportunities, if you find yourself limiting where things can flourish in your life you need to sit down and analyze why. No one on this earth is limited, yes we might have different paths and for some, it may be significantly different or ‘unconventional’ compared to others, but losing before even trying is losing twice. 

4. Lack of self control

All of these points are great and a lot of research has gone into them but this one, this is the one that pulls everything together or rips it apart. I heard once that self-control or discipline is the highest form of self-love possible because it’s less about what you want now and more about what you deserve. The reality is that we have been conditioned to lack self-control, it’s the cornerstone of capitalism. If you are easy to control you’re easy to monetize.

For a lot of us this has bled into every aspect of our lives, we tend to sabotage ourselves because we lack the basic impulse controls to delay gratification. We have been conditioned to want and have things instantly and this causes a failure in stability. 

Imagine for a second that everything in this world just fell in your lap with no effort or work, their value would mean nothing to you. This is an actual reality for some who have been born into a life of ease instead of one of struggle, it becomes nearly impossible to genuinely enjoy the fruits of things because they have no actual appreciation for the work that goes into obtaining it.