How to Stop Waiting for People to Change and Start Choosing Yourself

How to Stop Waiting for People to Change and Start Choosing Yourself

The Hard Truth About Letting Go: Why We Hold On and How to Break Free

Letting go of people can be one of the most challenging emotional hurdles we face. Often, the struggle isn't rooted in who they are or what they've shown us, but in the potential we imagine for them. We cling to the vision of who they could be, holding onto hope while ignoring the reality staring us in the face.

We pour time, energy, and love into relationships that feel more like investments we can't walk away from. This is known as the sunk cost fallacy—the belief that because we've spent so much, we must continue. But let me remind you of this: there is no situation in your life where tolerating mistreatment will ever serve you. Staying in places where you are treated like less, where you are diminished or devalued, will never bring about the growth or love you deserve.

The Illusion of Change

People can make small changes. They might adjust their behavior temporarily, giving you a glimpse of what you hope for. But more often than not, these moments are fleeting. You hold onto these glimpses, convincing yourself that if you wait just a little longer, things will shift permanently. Unfortunately, that shift rarely comes. What usually follows is a return to old patterns, leaving you feeling drained, frustrated, and hurt.

Letting go means facing a deeper truth: to walk away, you must grieve the story you've created in your head. The version of them you've clung to, the dream of what the relationship could become—that story needs to end. Grieving this imagined reality is necessary to break free.

Nothing Changes Without You

Here's the core of it all: nothing changes unless you decide to make the change. You can consume advice, read books, and listen to countless people share their experiences, but until you choose to walk away, the cycle continues. The best and worst advice I've ever heard is this: you will leave when you're tired. When you reach the point where the exhaustion outweighs the hope, that's when you begin to move on.

Even then, doubts will linger. You might wonder if there was more you could've done or if leaving was the right call. But eventually, fatigue from the constant hurt pushes you out the door.

Accepting Reality: The First Step to Healing

The first and most important step in letting go is accepting reality. No sugarcoating, no justifications. See the situation for what it is. When you finally accept that the person standing before you is not the person you've imagined, you take the first step toward freedom.

Often, we make excuses for people. “They’ve had a rough past.” “They’re going through something.” While empathy is valuable, it shouldn't justify mistreatment. Their past is not your burden to bear, nor is it your responsibility to fix them. If someone is unwilling or unable to show up for you, accept that.

Stop forcing your idealized version of them onto the reality that contradicts it.

Remember How It Made You Feel

A powerful tool in letting go is remembering the pain. Don’t suppress it. Sit with it, reflect on it, and use it as fuel. Remember how small you felt, how unappreciated, how unseen. This isn’t to breed resentment but to solidify the understanding that you deserve better.

Act from this place of self-awareness. This isn’t about lashing out; it’s about standing firm in your worth. Recognize the emotion and let it guide you to healthier decisions. Remind yourself that staying where you're undervalued only perpetuates the hurt.

Stop Letting Others Dictate Your Worth

Stop allowing people to determine how you feel about yourself just because you want them in your life. Love should never come at the expense of your self-worth. You deserve relationships that nourish and uplift you—not ones that leave you starving for affection and appreciation.

When you accept breadcrumbs as a meal, you’re left malnourished, emotionally and spiritually. Recognize that you deserve full, unconditional love and respect.

The Ego's Role in Letting Go

Sometimes, the hardest part of letting go is admitting we didn't "win." We don't want to feel like we failed at convincing someone to stay or see our value. But true strength lies in walking away, not in fighting to stay in a losing battle.

Your victory is in reclaiming your peace, not forcing someone to validate you. The ultimate win is choosing yourself, even if it feels like you’re losing them.

Live in What Serves You

Finally, let go of relationships and situations that drain you. Pour into places and people that reciprocate your energy and love. Stop trying to fill someone else's emptiness at the expense of your own well-being.

When you start choosing what serves you, you cultivate an environment of growth, love, and fulfillment. You stop living in survival mode and start thriving.

Letting go isn't easy. It often feels like tearing away a part of yourself. But in the end, holding onto what hurts you is far more painful. Trust that by releasing what's no longer serving you, you create space for something greater—something worthy of the love and light you have to offer.

So the question is, is this really where you heart is going to grow the most?