From love bombing to a slow burn - (Recovering from a narcissistic relationship)

Josh Rosa
Aug 6, 2024
5 min read

So I recently learned a new phrase and it came at the happenstance of one of my videos that is going viral on TikTok. In one of those videos, I talk about the fact that love bombing is a common tendency from the Narcissistic playbook. The fact is that in the beginning, they over-saturate you with “love” and make you feel as if you are safe with them but then quickly pull the rug from underneath you, what this is “supposed” to do (and does work on some) is it creates a hyper-dependency on them, to point where you crave the attention you got before.

I noticed in my comment section that a lot of people were using the phrase “slow burn” to describe the healthy relationship they got into after the messy one they were in before. A lot of the comments agreed with the statement I made that sometimes it will feel “boring” to be in a healthy relationship, not because they are boring but because you are so accustomed to being trigged that the moment you are free of that, you don’t really know what to do next.

So what does love bombing look like as a whole?

What’s a healthy “slow burn”?

How do you recover from a Narcissist?

Love bombing

At its core is creating a space where right from the start or near the start you are constantly told how much you matter or even how loved you are. In some instances, this can be even within the very first week of the relationship. Now depending on where you are in your life this can sound like the most amazing thing, who wouldn’t want to feel as if they found the ideal love?

They make you feel like you are the center point of all their decisions and they make you feel like their life now revolves around you, but this is where the rug gets pulled.

The moment they notice that you are leaning into this relationship they begin to pull away.

They become distant
They don’t show the same kind of affection
They make you feel as if you are the wrong one
Arguments increase
They begin to tell others “how bad you are to them”

The goal here is creating confusion and for most of us we want to mitigate that situation, we want to adjust ourselves in efforts to find a middle ground with them, the problem is that you are not the problem they are.

Often the response that they are giving stems from unresolved emotional issues that you cannot fix, you will ruin yourself trying to fix them. This has to be a personal decision for them and they need to be conscious of the fact that they are ultimately a narcissist. There is a great American Military tactic that can be implemented here.

It’s… walking away.

They are emotional terrorist and the moment you begin to negotiate with terrorists is the moment you sign up the rest of your life to be manipulated. They now know that you will respond to these types of tantrums or tactics.

When you enter a relationship and those are the first signs, you have to be clear on expectations and offer to slow things down.

The slow burn

This was a new one for me and it might be for some of you too, but I think it is the most ideal and honestly romantic way to build a healthy lasting relationship. From the feedback I got in that video, it seems to be a tough transition for a lot of people after dealing with the previous “love bombing” person. The reality is that most have become so used to everything being rushed that they don’t know what it’s like to slow down, they don’t know what it’s like to be loved gently.

To be clear I want to make a distinction between a “slow burn” and an inanimate object. If there is no movement there is no life, the reality is that taking a slower pace and stride has to have a direction not just become an excuse. This in itself fits into that top category, it’s an emotional control tactic or even a trauma response that inadvertently becomes the very thing they were wounded by.

So what does a slow burn mean:

Healthy connection not based on emotional high
Deeper intimacy is not based on physical attraction but on deeper exchange
A pace that doesn’t feel like it all needs to be figured out today
Instead of arguments, honest discussions that lead to something positive
Getting to genuinely establish a friendship

In a world where we are so rushed to be at the next place or have the next thing, being able to slow down and establish something real and concrete with someone should be the ideal goal of dating. Again I can’t emphasize enough the thin line between this and avoidance, that’s a topic for another day but part of this slow burn is the clear intent in building a relationship.

It’s a crazy thought to think because there was a time that this didn’t have a name and it simply was the dating scene, slow and intentional. Sadly we have fallen victim to a cycle of wounds and recreated narcissistic tendencies in our relationships.

Recovering from the Narcissist.

What I think we fail to realize sometimes when we are coming out of these toxic relationships or going into those healthy slow-burn ones is that what we went through isn’t the norm. We tend to think that it’s going to resurface in our next relationship or worse put up a guard that does such a great job at keeping things out, that it keeps out authentic love.

This is actually where the principle of a slow burn is so perfect.

It allows you to ease into something of comfort at a pace that breaks down those walls and builds you up personally but you have to be willing to live in it.

What tends to happen is that we meet that person who is willing to be patient and loving with us and don’t feel that spike of cortisol in our system so we either become disinterested or find issues with the relationship, recovering from a narcissist literally comes at the expense of retraining your nervous system to understand that peace is a good thing.

Recovering looks like:

Cutting off connections with not just that person but people deeply tied to them
Daily reminders of what you deserve and what is good for you
Allowing yourself space and time to grieve (just don’t remain here)
Addressing that you need help when you need help
Permitting yourself to be in something safe

We tend to not value the slowness of things because of the condition of our world. We have created everything into this fast-paced rush to the bottom.

it’s okay to slow down.

it’s okay to love passionately.

it’s okay to not feel like it’s all happening at once.

“We’re a species that rushes through everything, then complains that time flies.”

-Steve Maraboli

From love bombing to a slow burn - (Recovering from a narcissistic relationship)