The Art of Detachment (Detachment from people)

The Art of Detachment. (Detachment from people) detachment-from-people

Detachment from people

The Art of Detachment

Detachment has to be one of the hardest things to do. The reality is that when we go through heartbreaks or breakups (because your heart doesn’t always have to ‘break’ for a breakup to hurt) we have to now recondition ourselves to live a life away from the things we have made a daily routine and as humans, that’s a hard one.

We are naturally creatures of habit, that’s also why your habits dictate your life. When we introduce something new or remove something we have built a life around, it can throw things out of balance, even to the extent of feeling physical pain. The truth is that we have to refine who we thought we needed and what that means going forward for us.

Realizing You’re More in Love with the Idea than the Person

One of the hardest truths to accept is that sometimes, we’re more in love with the idea of a person than the person. It’s a fine line to differentiate, but it’s crucial for our emotional well-being.

We become attached to this person so deeply because we have magnified the qualities in them that we desire and become blind to the things in them that are clearly an indication of a red flag. The Truth is that the person your mind created, doesn’t exist, not in the place of that particular person at least.

An idea is hard to forget or get over. Think about it, it is built from the core belief and desire of your own mind & heart. You are now trying to get over something that is rooted in your own creation and whether or not it exists is irrelevant, this isn’t about detaching from a person but from detaching from the thought that THEY are that person.

Some simple questions to ask yourself:

1. Comparing a list to the person I envision and the person they are, would an outside person check off most of those things on that list as what I want or even as positive?
   

2. Am I tied to a desire or a reality?

3. Is there a wound in me that is being satisfied by my involvement in this?

4. Have I settled for being around?

The Illusion of Memories:

 Often, we cling to memories that never actually happened. Our minds fabricate perfect moments, leading us to fall deeper into an illusion rather than reality. This is a common expectation, the reality is that you allow yourself to envision and imagine what a future with that person would be like.

You create a whole life that now you have to dismantle for the reality that you are currently in. This is such a sad thought because you now think you have to break up with that life you lived all in your mind, the truth is that you don’t.

I want to be clear the thought of the particular person may be out of the question but the life you’ve desired and dreamed of with that significant other, is very much still a reality. You need to stop giving that much credit to the one it didn’t work with, it wasn’t them that motivated those desires and those thoughts, it was you.

Your wants, your hopes, your future, they just happen to be around while you laid out that possibility in your mind. Knowing that these things are very much still on the table should give some level of comfort, they are not dependent on that current person.

The “What Could Be” Trap: 

We become enchanted by the potential of what could be, creating a fantasy that can never live up to the actual experience. Recognizing this is the first step towards detachment. What could be still can be just not in the time frame you have sold yourself.

The power of detachment really stands in the realization that no one person is in control of your personal future. You may have desired this with them and rightfully so, why would you think otherwise in the midst of this?

But, we can’t continue to tie our future to inconsistent people. You are responsible for the trajectory of your life and your hopes and dreams don’t stop because someone else couldn’t appreciate them.

Cutting Off All Relationships

Detaching often means making the tough decision to cut off relationships that no longer serve us. This has to be again one of the tougher things we do, like we mentioned before we are creatures of habit, sometimes it isn’t even the fact that we miss them or want to speak to them, sometimes it’s a very pattern that our body recognizes to the point of making us feel something emotional in efforts to satisfy that habit.

This isn’t an exclusive thing we see this with many habits or addictions, withdrawal. I don’t want to sound or come off as if this is the same as other addictions but there is a chemical respond happening in your body that causes us to feel all of these emotions. Unfortunately, the only real mitigation for this one is time. Creating space and distance is the only way we can reprogram our minds to understand that we do not need to repeat these things.

• Constant Reminders: Every time you feel tempted to reconnect, remind yourself why you made this choice. Do you really deserve to beg for someone's attention and affection? The answer is a resounding no.

• Self-Respect: Understand that you deserve respect and love, and sometimes that means walking away from those who can't offer it.

• Breaking the pattern: The more you continue to return to this thing, the more of a hold it will have over you, it is a process of distance and time and one that is unique to the person and situation.

Becoming Obsessed with You

Detachment is not just about letting go of others; it's about falling in love with yourself. The reality is that we tend to miss out on our own personal growth and love because we are so focused on giving it to others.

We become complacent with ourselves, hoping to feed something more in others, but what if we applied that same energy into ourselves? What if we reinvested that effort into becoming the best possible versions of ourselves?

We tend to hyper-focus on those things we have created attachments with, yes because we want them to choose us but also, because it is so much easier (at first) to pour into someone else than to hold ourselves to our standards.

The truth is that you will never be able to fully love someone if you aren’t stable in who you are, this doesn’t mean that you are perfect or have it all together or even fully healed for that matter (I really hate that phrase “No one will love you until you learn to love yourself because it just flat out isn’t true) but the stable you where you prioritize your growth in efforts to reenforce what they are already bringing to the table.

You do not need to be perfect, but you do have to learn to care enough to try.

• Starving Your Ego: Your ego may protest because you didn’t get what you wanted, but that’s okay. It’s time to starve your ego and feed your soul.

• Treating Yourself Right: Start treating yourself the way you wanted to treat them. Shower yourself with the same effort, love, and attention. You are deserving of it.

• Effort and Energy: Channel the energy you once invested in others back into yourself. Take up hobbies, learn new skills, and focus on personal growth.

Root Yourself in Happiness

True detachment allows you to root yourself in genuine happiness. It’s knowing that no one else is responsible for producing happiness in you. It’s not tying your emotional stability to someone else’s lack of availability.

Ground yourself in yourself, knowing that no matter who comes or goes they don’t change what you think or feel about yourself. This is honestly how and why most people gravitate towards others. This is at its core, confidence.

Knowing I will be happy whether you do or you don’t.

• Inner Peace: Find joy in the present moment and in your own company. Happiness should not be contingent on external factors or people.

• Self-Love Journey: Cultivate a deep, unwavering love for yourself. When you prioritize your happiness, you create a life that’s rich in fulfillment and joy.

• Find a voice: Creating a unique thing in your life that is yours and yours alone.

At the end of the day attachment is more rooted in safety than anything else, our fear that something we might want is no longer going to be there or worse, we will never be able to be a better version of ourselves outside of it. The truth is that the more secure you become in you the more you detach from things that you know will never serve you.

Learn to let go not because you have to but because you deserve to.